mama ;(

time ; 12.34pm. current mood ; worried and sad.

dear mama,

Mama, im sorry for making u cry yest.
i didnt mean it.
but i just want you to know,
that im a big girl now,
a big big girl, not ur little girl anymore.
i have my needs and wants.
my dreams.
and yes im already able to decide.
my decision may not be right and it cant be wrong either.

butt all i need is ur support and also papa's.
it's not that i dont want to fulfill ur wants.
i really dont want to futher my study at other university.pls.
seriously,
im really satisfied studying here.
and comfortable enough.

and yes.
it may be a little far away from home,
but mama,
doesnt mean im here in muadzam,
we cant contact each other,
we can see each other at all.
im able to go home every week if u want.

and yesterday u even said that
because of the distance,
me and aliff and yaya and luqman akan xrpt.
no mama!
dnt ever think like that please.
that will never happened.
i promise!
i love my siblings! and there's no reason why i should forget abt them!
it's not the distance that counts mama
;(

i just want to do what i love and what i want.
and yes. you know how i wanted to be an architect at first,
what i really really love!
but u said, it wont help much.
so i followed u,
and took accountancy
my second choice.
but now,
u want me to take actuary.

mama,
i would just want the same privilege like aliff had.
why does he has the rights to choose his future.
decide his dreams.
but not me.
was it because he's the first and im the second?
or was it because he's a guy and im a girl?
or because he needs more attention than me?
and that he's much stronger than me?
urgh.
thats not fair mama.

im no trying to be rude mama.
im just saying out my rights.
i know that i dont have the courtesy to tell you this
face to face,
im afraid.
im really afraid that you'll never agree.
afraid of being scold.
afraid of seeing u cry again.
afraid of making u sad.
afraid of breaking ur heart.
afraid of everything mama.

but seriously,
i really really hope that you'll agree with me
futhering my degree here in uniten.
doing accountancy.
like you wanted me to do at first.
like what you wished for at first.

and here i promise you,
ill do my very very best for you and papa.
i just need full support and trust
from both of you.

for once,
let me stick with my decisions
let me decide my future
and my dreams.
thats just all.

i promise you that ill have a good and great future.
and will make both you and papa proud of me.

please please and pretty pretty please mama!

you know that i love both of you very much.
more than anything in this world.

oh god,
how i wish mama could read this.
and how i wish i'm strong enough to face mama and be able to tell her this.

;(

with lots and lots of love and tears,
your little girl here back in muadzam .

p/s: ill always be your little girl mama.
i wont change.
i promisee ;(